How to Piss Off Crazy Teabaggers

Are you tired of getting upset over the ignorant, racist rhetoric of the Tea Party radicals? Of course, the best thing to do is to ignore them, but that's no fun! Why not embrace the American way and get even? Following are ten fail-safe tips on how to piss off the misspelled sign-toting, politician-interrupting, teabagging crazies and certain Rand Paul acolytes, whose battle cry is, "The louder you are, the gooder you are!" (Note: These tips do not apply to the normal three-percent of the Tea Party members, whose goal is to bring our government's spending under control. The tips only work with the nut jobs.)

1. First, in regards to their insane "birther" claims, get their attention and hit them where it hurts. Require that every customer produce a birth certificate before eating at Cracker Barrel.
2. Play with their emotions. Remind them that their President is a black man with a scary name. Then, watch the relief on their faces when you add, "Hey, at least he's not a woman."
3. Raise their blood pressure to a dangerous level by crashing a Tea Party rally, grabbing a bullhorn and yelling "Jesus was a socialist!" Then run like hell before they catch you. Actually, with this group, you can do a quick walk and still get away.
4. Create off-the-wall programs like "Guns for Cinnabons" where they can trade in their firearms for warm, gooey pastries. It'll be like "Sophie's Choice" -- but with frosting.
5. Sarah Palin loves the teabaggers, and the teabaggers love Sarah. Recruit the former governor and place her in charge of building a Tea Party monument, only to have her quit halfway through.
6. Ask them if they can tell you where to find a copy of the Constitution en Español. Their eyes will roll back in their cabezas.
7. Replace all photos of Rand Paul with RuPaul -- you know, someone less cartoonish.
8. Get them wasted by starting a Crazy Teabagger Drinking Game. Rules: Drink one shot every time a Tea Party sign is misspelled or upside-down; down two shots when you see arm flap; and kill the bottle if someone quotes the New Testament with a mouthful of Skoal Wintergreen.
9. Like the old Folgers coffee commercial, secretly replace Tea Party speeches by Minnesota representative Michele Bachmann with recordings of fingernails on a chalkboard during a farting contest and see if they can tell the difference.
10. If you find yourself in an adjacent bathroom stall, announce loudly, "Please rise for our National Anthem." Follow up by humming the "Star-Spangled Banner." It's messy, but highly entertaining. And it's a great way to show the crazies that payback's a bitch.