How Do You Teach Your Kids To Handle Gossip?

Have you heard about Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver? How about the antics of Charlie Sheen? Do you like to share and hear stories about the stars (television or movies), politicians or anyone in the limelight? Do you like to read those gossip magazines, or maybe on a more personal level, do you like to get the dirt on friends or "friends of friends"?

Then, it’s suffice to say you (and probably a large percent of the population) like gossip. But I’m wondering, do you think gossip is pure entertainment or do you think it can be hurtful? This leads us to the Moms Talk question this week:

"Are there good and bad types of gossip? What do you teach and model for  your kids?"

What is Gossip?

First I think it's important to clarify what gossip is and what it isn't.  According to dictionary.com, gossip is "1. idle talk or rumor, especially about the personal or private affairs of others: the endless gossip about Hollywood stars, and 2. light, familiar talk or writing."

The definition correlates gossip with rumors but it also indicates gossip can just be "light, familiar talk." For this post, let's say it's sharing stories about others. I do want to clarify that I think it is the intent behind sharing the story that makes it gossip.   

Problem-solving vs. gossip

I think it is important to clarify with our kids the difference between confiding with someone, or problem-solving, and gossiping. I think the main difference is the intent. Gossiping  is usually for entertainment. People want to hear a “juicy” story and be “in the know” of the latest happening. When we are problem-solving or getting support we have a totally different intent. While we may share something about someone, our reason for sharing is to try to make things better. 

Here’s an example of what I think the difference is between gossiping and getting support.

I was speaking to a mother after a very sad event happened that related to our children's school. She indicated she told her child not to talk about the incident in school as she didn’t want him to gossip. I felt concerned about this stance. I think telling our kids not to talk about upsetting things can lead to them keeping their thoughts and feelings to themselves. As I counselor I can attest to the fact that when people don't process or share their feelings they can sometimes have emotional consequences later on in life.

When I spoke to my kids I clarified the difference between getting support and gossiping. If they had personal feelings or questions about the incident they could and should talk to me and their friends. But I suggested they not discuss it as a way of just spreading details about the story like the "Rumor Weed" did from the Veggie Tales videos.

The Rumor Weed

My kids have seen Veggie Tales videos since they were young. They are fun cartoons, based in religious principles, that share simple stories to teach morals. They are also good for some giggles and have some fun songs in each episode.

One show my girls enjoyed watching was called "Larry Boy and The Rumor Weed." The benefit of seeing this show was that they understood at a young age what gossip and rumors were. They also were aware that there could be consequences of spreading rumors for both the person who is talked about and those spreading the rumors. I can still hear the Rumor Weed (a Joan Rivers like character) saying, “Did you hear the one about Alfred?” right before she shared her rumor with each person. The Rumor Weed ended up growing and spreading through the town  until it started to break down several structures in the town. It only stopped growing when the child who started spreading the rumor told the truth and apologized to the one he gossiped about. Of course, in real life once the damage is done it can be hard to fix.

Personal vs. celebrity gossip

Gossip can be hurtful. It seems that one of the most hurtful forms of gossip is to spread stories (true or false) about someone you know. To be betrayed by a friend can really hurt. I would say that celebrity gossip (as in the tabloids) can be not as bad. If you don’t know them and they have no contact with you how can they get hurt? Small banter about the latest antic of Charlie Sean may not be as bad (particularly since he is intentionally sharing his antics) as some gossip.

However, another view is that celebrities are people, too. In this day and age so much can spread so quickly and go “viral” on the Internet, we really need to be careful of what we say. I also think that when we focus on gossip we are missing out on other topics that we may benefit more from. We may also miss out on deeper connections with others.

Gossip and creating connections

Interestingly enough, per Wikipedia, “Gossip has also been identified by Robin Dunbar, an evolutionary biologist, as aiding social bonding in large groups." I can see how gossip may be helpful in starting a conversation as some topics can peak peoples interest to find out more. However, if the conversation is just gossip, how can a bond really be formed? By its nature, gossip is an escape from thinking about ourselves and focusing on the stories of others. How do you form a relationship with someone if you never get personal?

How do you handle gossip?

I was at one of my kids activities waiting with other moms for the kids to finish. One mom started bashing the coordinator of the kids group to the other moms. Having experience as a volunteer myself, I have great respect for those who offer their time for others. I have also been the brunt of criticism by those who hadn’t lifted a finger to help. So I guess I felt impelled to stick up for not only the person she was talking about but also all volunteers who deserve our respect. 

I quickly spoke up and (as respectful as possible) said that if she was unhappy with how the person was running the activities she could always offer to help. I indicated that I was sure the volunteer would love more help and any suggestions she might have. Interestingly she stopped bashing the volunteer (in that moment anyway). 

I have a rule for myself. I try not to allow myself to complain unless I am willing to help rectify the situation. Sitting back in judgment does nothing for anyone besides the ego of the self-rightous person who shares the judgment.

With that being said, I think being self-righteous in thinking of a gossiper can cause problems too. When I was younger I worked at a job where many of my coworkers liked to gossip. Actually, one particular person was the main gossiper who loved to spread the stories. I think it gave her a certain sense of power and I would guess it helped her connect and start conversations with others.

I would brood at work about how selfish and thoughtless she was to use other people's personal lives for her own entertainment. I avoided her and the gossip. The result was, while I did have people I connected with,  I didn’t really connect with a lot of people there because most of them enjoyed the gossip. Was there another way to deal with the situation? Thinking back I think that I was being as judgmental as she was. However, my self-righteousness let my anger seperate me from others. Here are some things I think I could have done...

 - Change the subject and look deeper. No one person is the sum of one action (or in this case repeated actions). Maybe there was more to that person than met the eye. I could have tried to know more about her beyond the gossip. Maybe I could have asked some questions about other things that interested her.

- Of course if indirectly changing the subject didn't work, I could  have made it clear that I don’t really like to gossip but would love to chat about other things.

- If none of these things work, then it can be best to walk away when there is gossip or to avoid the person when they are gossiping. If the gossiper doesn't have an audience she loses her power. You can’t change someone else’s behavior, but you can change your response to it.

- Sometimes gossip can be harmless sharing of information. In fact sharing that someone got married or graduated from school can be a form of gossip but in this case it's positive information. But often times gossip can be negative and can breed a lack of trust and a generally negative environment. Obviously if the environment gets really negative because of gossip then leaving a job or friendship could be an option too.

 Here's what other Mom's Council members had to say:

 Cheryl Whittier said:

"Gossip by definition has usually been a negative sharing of personal info about other people. I don't share if someone tells me something in confidence (with two exceptions see below) and I don't share personal info with anyone but my closest friends who can be trusted to keep it close and only if it is to help someone not to hurt! By sharing in love, sometimes solutions can be found or wisdom revealed. It is the nasty hurtful sharing that I abhor. I don't really trust that children have the discernment to know the difference, so I try to just explain that sharing personal information about someone else can be hurtful to them if certain people used the information in a hurtful way so it is best to not share unless it is something that is super important to share like abuse or [if someone is] suicidal. Hard lesson to teach...one of the hardest (too bad so many people use it for bad!)"

Gloria Crist said:

"I think gossip is a part of American life. It is  up to parents to help teach their children what is fluff and what is personal (but should kids be told personal stuff anyway?)...I always tell my child the truth."