Moms Talk: Girl Time or No Time?

The previous weeks Mom Talk questions related to our kids. This week’s question is a little more personal to moms. It's also relevant since International Women's Day was this week!

Do you have regular "girl time" with your friends? Do you think it's important? Our Moms Council had a variety of answers from “Would love to but can’t” to “Can’t do without it”.                                

The main reason for mom's not having regular girl time seems to be time and tiredness.

Kristin Silveira states, “I do not have regular girl time. My job is a night job- so three or four nights a week I am on call and can't make plans those nights. And if it's busy, then I have been out of the house already a lot of nights, I don't really want to leave. We are at a really busy time in our lives right now- four kids, full time jobs, farm, schoolhouse construction...so I figure there is really not enough time in the day for everything. Besides the fact that I am so tired by the end of the day!”   

Gloria Crist agrees: “ I wish I did [have regular girl time]!! It seems to be the one thing that gets rearranged the most! I think it is important to get away for a couple of hours whenever possible- to regroup.”

Kristen Humphrey shares that girl-time is important but sometimes too infrequent. “I think girl time is essential to one's sanity. Whether you talk about books, movies, kids, relationships, work, or the latest Hollywood gossip, chatting with another adult makes me feel more centered. There are days when I don't talk with another adult so on those rare nights out with some girl friends I feel like I'm going to burst. I look forward to it, fully immerse myself into it, and miss it when it's gone.”

Cheryl Whittier agrees with Kristen that it's essential and she schedules it regularly. “I think it is not only important but absolutely essential! Women enjoy each other's company because we understand our own gender so much more than the opposite gender. We enjoy the support from each other and we de-stress when we can be in the company of others who share our same struggles. I personally cannot go a whole week without seeing or hearing from my friends. We laugh. We dine. And we grow in wisdom! My 'girl time' is my reason to 'keep on keepin on' as I look forward to getting together with them any chance I get!”

As for myself, I can relate to both sides of the coin. There was a time when I felt I was too busy and felt too guilt for taking time for myself. But now I have another perspective…

I am a transplant. When my husband and I moved to New England I went to school full time to get my Masters (including a practicum, an internship and over an hour commute). While in school I became pregnant and had my first child. Once I graduated, I stayed home with my daughter and then eventually went to work full time. Life was good but busy. The first years of motherhood, with the lack of sleep, can be a blur. I’m sure I would have enjoyed a regular girl’s night out. But I felt life was just too busy and how could I leave my baby after being away from her all day at work?

It was years later when I got pregnant with my second child that I had a wakeup call. We had moved a couple times and were busy and tired with work and family life. So we hadn’t really had the time to developed a support network. While thinking of our hospital plan for my second child’s birth, I realized I had no one to watch my first child! Even if we hired a babysitter, who could we call if my water broke at 2 a.m. in the morning? I remember crying when I realized this (I’m sure hormones might have added to that) as I didn’t want to go through childbirth alone.

We ended up hiring a wonderful doula (a non-medical person who supports the mother-to-be with such things as relaxation exercises, education and emotional support before and during delivery) to be in the delivery room with me.  Fortunately, the doula had a wonderful partner in her business who offered to watch my daughter. I am lucky to say I had my doula and my  husband with me for support during the my second child’s birth. I also had the peace of mind knowing that my first child was with someone I trusted. However, the experience was a wakeup call for me. How could I be too busy to develop a support network?

After that I started to make more effort to meet people. I took adult ed classes, joined a mom's club and eventually started a women’s club. From my experience, I am motivated to continue to make an effort to build my support network and value the time I spend with other women. 

Initially I felt embarrassed by my lack of support and felt like I was the only one who had experienced this. However, I found a book that normalized my experience, “Refrigerator Rights: Creating Connections and Restoring Relationship” by Dr. Will Miller and Glenn Sparks, Ph.D. This book made me realize that I was not alone.

Dr. Miller and Mr. Sparks report that in our current society, people are less connected than they used to be. What are “refrigerator rights” you might ask? It’s a term the authors made up to represent rights you give to someone whom you would feel comfortable enough to let rummage through your fridge without asking. No, we’re not talking about a rude guest or nosy neighbor here. Those rights are reserved for close family members and friends.  

Dr. Miller and Mr. Sparks attribute a decrease in these types of friendships to such things as families moving far from one another, putting high importance on independence and productivity, and today’s large array of media distractions. While they share many reasons why it is more difficult to build these connections in our current society, they also emphasize the importance of making these connections. Regular get-togethers with others can be a part of this process.

Of course, girl time doesn’t have to always be with someone who has “refrigerator rights”. Sometimes you just gotta get out for some fun. Other times you need that coffee talk for more in depth conversations. Judy Pelletier shared a comment when I posted our Mom Talk question on Facebook. She emphasized the importance of doing something monthly in support of the laughter and tears that come with girl time.  

Judy writes, “I have four friends, whom I met when my now 32-year-old son was in elementary school. We go out once a month for dinner and support...we have taken each other thru many of lives journeys...some happy..some sad...but we always know that no matter what...the YAYA's will be there...we talk sometimes during the month among each other...but always see the whole group once a month....I don't know where I would be without that fine group of friends....Love them like they were my sisters.” 

Remember the movie “Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood” and the television show turned movie “Sex and the City”? Even Hollywood suggests girls need one another. In my last article I wrote about a local event called a “Red Tent”. The title of the event was based on an actual historical location. Women were sent to the red tent during any female biological processes. The result of these regular gatherings was a strong community of women. Whether it’s indicated in history or the movies, there’s something about girl time that is needed.

A mom’s life has ebbs and flows. Sometimes we feel all consumed by just getting by and it’s hard to find time for ourselves or to connect with friends. The question we ask this week is not a judgment, just an inquiry. 

If you don’t have regular girl-time and you are fine with that – then that works for you.  But if you’re a mom who does want to get out but feels too guilty, I challenge you to find the time for yourself. As I found out, utimately self-care can help us be better parents and role models for our kids.

If you don’t yet have the group of friends who will meet regularly (and you want one), keep searching. If you do have friends who can’t always meet up, girl time can be a phone call with a cup of tea. Concerned about your phone bill? You can get on the computer to use Skype to call a friend for free and you can see who you are talking too. Girl time can be any way that works for you, just as long as you take the time to do it.

For ideas of where to go for girl time be sure to read my Great Escape articles (This week I share a great free event hosted by the women's club I organize!). Of course, sometimes you may need to bring the kids along for your girl time. If that happens, just making it a double play date and then save some time by checking out the  for ideas.